


Walking the Dog

by Skye_Ramoth



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: ++ on f-bombs, Axton's POV, Gen, Humor, Mature for cursing just to be safe., Nothing explicit, One-Shot, Resetting the job:, Sort Of, There's a lot of swearing, Tina REALLY screws Axton over in this, Walking the dog, fair warning, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 09:12:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13971888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skye_Ramoth/pseuds/Skye_Ramoth
Summary: Tiny Tina and Axton, canonically, do NOT like each other. And that's do NOT like each other by way of Tina-throwing-dynamite-at-the-Commando's-face do not like each other.Ever wonder why that is?Here's the answer, dating back to the ancient time of 6 years ago, and within the confines of the hottest memes of the year 21012.





	Walking the Dog

**Author's Note:**

> So... You want to hear another story, huh? One where Tiny Tina screws over another Vault Hunter? Well too bad. I'm not gonna tell you because I like my face where it is. If you're so interested, ask her yourself--  
> *crash*  
> Sup, sucka? You want to hear the story about how the Commando killed my dog, eh? WELL YA CAME TUH THE RIGHT WOMAN. It all started when he came into my workshop, all slimy and gross, as per usual, and his creepy butt asked Moi for a job. I said that I'd give 'im my awesome ******* assault rifle and the spec that literally allows his dumb*** turret to be a nuclear bomb if he walked my puppy Enrique. And then he-- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-- here-- jus'-- lookit-- HA-- just watch this shawty.

“Just _die_ you sonuva--” Axton jerked in pain when the last rocket of his corrosive launcher fired and smashed onto the side of the damned varkid. Its side burst with vivid neon fluids as it fell to the ground. It spluttered around for a few seconds before he finished it off with a burst from his assault rifle.

Axton stared at the stupid bug hatefully for a moment before stomping (mostly limping) over to it. He kicked it once in what he guessed to be its eyes, then carved out a section of its tail for Hammerlock.

“I got your sample,” he growled into his ECHO, the gross thing digistructing into his module.

“Lovely!” came the gentleman’s joyous reply. “Return to me, please, and you’ll have yourself a new Hyperion Submachine Gun.”

The commando resisted throwing his ECHO in the snow. A _Hyperion Submachine Gun._

 _A. God. Damn. Hyperion. Sub. Machine. Gun. What a total rip-off... Give me a friggin’_ Fox _any day._

He plopped down into the snow, pissed and hurting. He wiped his hands on his cargo pants to try to get some of the puss off, but only succeeded in adding the slime that was all over his clothing. Axton grimaced, and shoved his hands into the snow instead, cleaning them the best he could. When most of the disgustingness was off, he delved into his uniform and grabbed his last rejuvenator, then straight up plunged it into his neck. He hissed as he waited for that certain warm feeling to fill his chest.

He sighed when it did, enjoying the sharp healing stabs that spread all over his body. Then he continued to inwardly whine about not giving this stupid quest to Krieg. There was no fun in killing these mutated _asshats_ \-- sure, killing the first two had been a blast, but the last two? At the same time? That only resulted in getting his ass kicked, his chevron insignia almost corroded on his face, and his darlin’ turret getting destroyed. There sure as hell ain’t no glory in it-- what babe would want to bed the guy that’d killed two mutated monstrosities that he himself had created? (... _Hammerlock. That’s who….... Hmm…._ ) And the reward? The reward was as good as _shit_ as far as he’s concerned; any Hyperion gun is shit, if not worse. The best he’ll get out of it is a few thousand from Marcus.

An outraged squealing erupted from behind him. Axton sighed as he felt a small nudge on his back. He didn’t even turn around to bury his tomahawk into the insect’s brain… skull… head-- whatever you call an insect head. _Do insects even have bones?_

There was more shrieking insect sounds-- more gross _squelching_ sounds.

 _Nope,_ is what he thought about that.

He jumped to his feet and started walking up the slope. He shot whatever got in his way and ignored everything else. To hell with the consequences and Venimorphous; maybe Zer0 will have a fun time ‘assassinating’ one if it forms. Right now, the Fast Travel Station was his _only_ destination, his _only_ goal.

It was _just_ in sight when a certain scream sounded on his ECHO:

 _“_ Daaaaaaaayum, _is that a Vault Huntin’ ass I seez allz the wayz ova’ theyar?_ ”

The commando froze immediately, then slouched. He was not in the mood to deal with Tiny Tina.

“Hey Tina,” he said, trying to sound upbeat.

It wasn’t like he didn’t like Tina; he _did_ (the number of things the commando did _not_ like in general could be counted on one hand). She made things explode, she said some of the dirtiest, most hilarious things that he’d ever heard, she threw _amazing_ tea parties. It was just… that… she’s a little much. _Too much_ for the mood he was in now. He’d never been great with children (the most experience he had with them was kissing newborns… and then their moms), and while Tina was a fully-fledged teenager, like Gaige (his bestest friend forever), she speaks like a 5-year-old with a bomb obsession.

Don’t get him wrong-- he likes bombs. And, _yes_ , he likes explosions. What Axton is less fond of is landmines, which had been the cause of, like, 80% of his hospitalizations/deaths when he was still in the army (that’s goddamn Hestias for you), and the subject of 45% of his stupid- _PTSD_ ridden nightmares. And, as it happened, Tina is very obviously more fond of-- _ahem_ , _obsessed with_ those particular types of bombs.

So… one could imagine that getting a leg blown off by one of her landmines and having to hit up the nearest New-U a minute later would make Tina’s workshop-- and, as a result, _Tina_ \-- a little less than popular. (Especially if that had happened on the Vault Hunter’s first encounter with her).

So. _Yeah_ . This tired-out commando was _not_ in the mood.

And as the Fates had it, Tina _was_.

“What? _Were you not gonna pay your ol’ pal Tiny Tina a visit whilst you were in da Tundra?_ ”

“No… I… was--”

“ _Coolio. I have a job that needz doin’._ ”

“I--”

“ _See you in a few!”_

The ECHO crackled off.

“Goddammit,” he muttered, staring longingly at the Fast-Travel Station.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s safe to say that Axton was plenty careful to avoid both Tina’s landmines and varkids while he made his way to her workshop-- which means he’d pulled some Zer0 level stealth out of his ass and somehow made it work. Upon entering said workshop, he briefly wished that he’d saved up on some of those stealth points to avoid Tina too because he was not ready for how worked up she was.

“ _VAULT HUNTA!! THRRRRRILL SEEKA!!!”_ To Axton’s dismay, she grabbed onto his shoulders and hauled herself halfway up his chest, straddling the front of his torso and shoving her face into his.

“Hopefully dog walka?” she added in her inside voice.

He blinked several times. “Wha?” was all he could say.

“I JUST BOUGHT A PUPPYYYY!!” she explained, inside voice now very much gone. “His name is Enrique and he is adowable as a _motha-humpa_. Do me a flava and take him for a walk, would ya? It’ll help with your training to take on Handsome Jackhole and give Enrique some exercise.” She hopped off of him and ran into her workshop. “I’ll mark his location on your ECHO thingy.”

Axton swallowed, absorbing all of the information she’d just screamed into his face. _Dog walker, huh?_ He’s gotten demoted to _dog walker?_

 _Pffft_ , his softer side argued. He didn’t mind walking dogs. Hell, he _loved_ dogs. They were man’s best friend; the greatest company in the universe. He’d even taken care of a few… given, most of them were blown apart by bombs they’d failed to find ( _really_ , Hestias though)... but they were nice while they lasted.

Maybe that’s what he needed right now: a nice stroll over the icy plains, with a docile, simple creature to keep his company.

 _...But…_ Dog _walker though? Seriously?_

He sighed. “You’ll mark his loc-- hold on, he isn’t _here_?”

“No!” She yelled back, hidden from view. “Duh? I jus’ said I _jus'_ bought a puppy. A Hyperion hijacked train _jus'_ delivered him, but they _jus'_ got my address wrong.”

The soldier frowned at the waypoint that just appeared on his headset’s mini-map. It was pretty far away, to say the very least. “When did they deliver him?” Ethics were still a thing, weren’t they?

“Abooooout… 10 seconds ago.”

His frown deepened at the thought of just being able to buy dogs off the ECHONet and having them arrive within a few seconds.

“As a reward,” she continued, “I can give you this assault rifle I found and sorta played with aaaaand a spec mod that can allow your turrets to set off a nuclear blast when you throw ‘em.”

He then decided that he didn’t care all that much, and started making his way towards Old Man Johnson’s Farm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Axton did relatively well in avoiding most of the varkids on his way. He fully doubted that he wouldn’t see any once he got to the farm-- and he was right: he spent about ten minutes killing off the first wave of the insects. The state of his uniform returned from a semi-clean state to completely disgusting in no time.

On the northern end of the barn, there was a bright yellow carriage on its side, no doubt from some Hyperion train that’d come through not long ago. It was where his waypoint was, so he assumed that that was where the dog was. Which bothered him, but, you know, whatever. The poor thing will be out of the container in a few seconds.

“I’m here, Tina,” he called out, circling the carriage.

“ _Hawt. Now, tuh properly walk Enrique, you just gotta open his cage and lead him through some of his favorite spots._ ”

“ _What?_ ” His hand halted on the door.

“ _But be careful-- he is a very affectionate puppy and he’ll love your FACE off if you don’t stay ahead of him._ ”

He blinked a few times at that while a new waypoint appeared on his HUD. “Alright then,” he said, shrugging, and pulled the door open.

The inside of the carriage was pitch black, and the light of dusk didn’t help in making anything clearer. He took a step in, and whistled, saying, “Here boy!” to get the puppy’s attention.

The commando started to lean against the wall to wait, then drew back in surprise. He held the hand he’d just touched the wall with into the light. It was covered in black soot. He realized that there was a more concentrated burnt smell in here than in the rest of the farm, which was covered in firemelons and incineration stations.

_That’s…. that’s probably a bad thing._

Something growled in the corner. While Axton was deciding whether or not to go to it or back away, Tina decided to tune in to give him some advice:

“ _RUUUN VAULT HUNTER!!!!!! RUN LIKE THE MOTHAHUMPIN’ WIND!!!!!!!!!!!”_

And, in that exact moment, the so-called ‘puppy’ fully woke up, and turned his flame on.

Axton looked up at it, realizing that _that_ was the _biggest_ skag he’d ever seen-- _far_ surpassing any badass mutated fire skags at the damn Wildlife Exploitation Preserve. A second after this enlightenment took place, the reasonable, sane part of his mind whispered to him that he should probably run. The commando, for once, agreed with that part of his mind (he was tired, _okay?_ ), and started booking it.

“ _WOOOOOOOOO!!!! YEEHAH!!!!”_ Tina’s screams made his head ache as he passed the cabin. “ _RUN BOY!!!! ENRRRRRRIQUEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! GO-GO-GO-GO GO-GO-GO-GO_ \--”

 _Enrique is the skag,_ he reasoned, jumping over a bunch of varkids. _Of course it’s a damn skag-- dogs are for normal people-- in normal places-- Tina is half psycho-- of course the biggest friggin’ skag on this side of the planet is going to be a goddamn_ puppy _to her!!!_ Enrique let out a howl, and Axton felt the heat on the back of his neck when a _wooosh_ sounded behind him. Varkid screams made his head hurt to an unholy degree as they turned into ash. _Goddamn-- fuckin’-- sonuva_ bitch _!!!!!!_

Axton finally reached the end of the farm and dove behind a rock outcropping, hoping the skag was still distracted by the varkid-treats all around it. He immediately started swapping out all the fire weapons he’d been using on the stupid bugs for things that might have a chance to hurt it, like Sledge’s Shotgun, or his beloved rocket launcher.

The soldier was peeking over the top of the rock when Tina suddenly whined, “ _AAAWWWW, it looks like he got bored!! Get his attention again!!!”_

“ _Bored?!_ ” he hissed in the most menacing, ‘ _you are so dead_ ’ whisper he could muster. “ _Bored?!!!!!_ The damn thing is having enough fun lighting the varkids on fire--”

“ _Pop him once so he starts chasin’ you again.”_

Axton growled lowly. “Yeah, _okay._ ” A Jakobs sniper rifle appeared in his hand. He aimed, waiting for the skag to blow more fire onto the varkid hives, and fired into its open mouth.

A spurt of blood appeared on the inside of his mouth, then vanished under the flames. The skag froze, turned and stared the commando in the eye, and barked, “ _WOOOOOOOOOOORF._ ”

Axton licked his lips.

_Aw shit._

He scrambled to his feet and started hauling ass again.

“ _DON’T SHOOT MY DOGGY SO MUCH!!!!”_ Tina was screeching in his ear. “ _THAT’S JUST RUDE!!!!!!_ ” Axton almost face-planted as he skirted around a pillar holding up the railway. _“ALL HE WANTS IS TO BE LOVED AND TO BE SHOWN HIS FAVORITE PLACES SO THAT HE’S POOPED AND HUNGRY AND HAPPY AFTERWARDS IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR????????”_

“I _swear_ to _God_ Tina if you don’t stop yelling into your ECHO--”

There was a familiar rumble of as buzzard appeared overhead. “ _I see some ants need squishing_ ,” yelled some jackass bandit in the cockpit. Another bandit perched on the side waved his fist in the air, screaming, “ _Tora, Tora, Tora!!!_ ”

“GO SCREW YOURSELF!!!” Axton howled back, pumping his arms even harder.

“Holy--” the pilot exclaimed, suddenly aware of the Vault Hunter’s predicament. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH--”

“FUCK OFF GODDAMMIT!!!!!”

“Dave, Dave, get the ECHO-- AHHHAHA-- get the-- HA-- the-- no, don’t drop it, idiot! Just aim it at the skaglick--”

“Fuck this shit,” Axton hissed, his anger and pride getting the better of him. Minding his lead on the skag (which was actually pretty lengthy, if he did say so himself), he stopped in his tracks, re-aimed his sniper rifle, and blew the face off the stationary pilot. He watched smugly as the buzzard crashed into its own camp on his left. He hoped the debris knocked a goliath’s helmet off too and caused absolute _Hell_ \--

“ _Whatever happens, Axy_ , don’t-look-back,” Tina whispered in an all-too-happy voice. His eyes widened and he turned around, and she screamed, “ISAIDDON’T!!!!” as the skag lunged at him, howling, its tongue lolling out the slit of its face.

“FUCK FUCKING FUCK!!!!” he shrieked as he rolled to the side. The animal’s fiery claws missed his face by mere _millimeters_ , and only because he veered them off-course by sticking his tomahawk in the offending foot. The skag yelped and ate dirt, and Axton found his feet and began running towards the waypoint again, now tomahawk-less. The earth gave way to rocks, and Axton tirelessly climbed them, the skag gaining with him with each tall boulder. He tried not to concentrate on how close the cliff was on his right as he ran for his life. Or the fact that he could feel its frickin’ breath on his neck. Or how slippery the ground was now that he was running on snow and not dirt. Or how close to getting torn apart by Tina’s damn _puppy_.

“ _KEEP THEMZ LEGS UP VAULT HUNTER!!!! WORK IT WORK IT WORK IT WORK IT!!!!!!!!_ ”

He finally got to the top, and there was a split in the road ahead of him, right side leading to a level dirt clearing, the left sloping up back the way they came and covered with snow. The cunning strategist of a man stayed to the right until the very last moment, then turned around and ran up the slope. The skag skidded forwards and scrambled, unable to stop in time to follow. Axton didn’t do much better though; the cocky bastard and his metal-soled shoes lost their footing on the half-melted snow, and he ran face first into the rockface of the next bend.

“ARGH-- ow, ow--”

“ _Aw, man didja just--”_ *snort* _“KEEP IT UP, AX!! YOUR DOIN’ ACE!!!!”_

He collected himself as fast as he could, getting a possibly life-threatening retort ready, when he realized that the fire skag was again lunging at him.

 _Ohmigod_ , he thought, or maybe screamed as he ducked out of the way again, but this time the claws raced down his back, his shield apparently useless. He grunted and dislodged the flaming claws at his back by diving forward then shagging ass the rest of the way up.

“ _Hello again, old enemy. You are to be Enrrrrrrique’s new chew-toy--”_

 _“_ What the hell are you talking about?!” he yelled at Tina, his hands on his knees, finally needing to pause.

 _“-- and you can HAVE Sir Reginald back. Dude is a racist dickweed. I fudgin’ hate racist dickweeds... almost as much as I hate oatmeal raisin cookies--_ ”

It was then that Axton had realized his mistake, in the view of the giant insect hive with a fat ol’ blue and yellow varkid perched on the top of it.

“ _Madame Von Bartlesby Junior, MEET YOUR DEATH!!!!!”_

“God is a fucking asshole,” snarled Axton. He collapsed into the snow, totally prepared for the New-U’s blue techno-heaven tunnel.

_“SIC ‘ER ENRIQUE!!!!!”_

Enrique howled and jumped for the larger enemy. Axton watched nonchalantly nas it soared over his head, and didn’t fail to notice that his tomahawk still adorned its foot. Madame Von Bartlesby Junior let out an ear-splitting shriek and launched itself into the air. The skag’s long talons missed Junior as it buzzed to the side, but Enrique’s jaws found purchase on a very delicate, translucent blue wing. The varkid plummeted to the ground, landing on the skag, and effectively setting itself on fire. The insect scuttled towards Axton, turned around, then charged Enrique as the skag was still finding its feet in the slick snow. Its massive pincers caught the skag’s midframe, bringing them both along it headed for the cliff.

“ _NO!!_ ” Tina suddenly screeched in his ear. “ _EN_ _RIQUE MUST LIVE or I’ma be_ PISSED!!!!”

“What the hell do you want me to do!?” Axton yelled back but hefted his sniper rifle anyways.

It turns out that Enrique was doing just fine on its own. As they approached the cliff, it let out another howl and stomped its feet onto the ground. Fire flew from its body, melting the snow around them instantly and making the insect lurch away from it. Enrique struck, diving below the insect’s legs and chomping down onto some unreachable soft spot on its underbelly, killing Madame Von Bartlesby Jr. instantly.

“ _HORAAAAAY!!!_ ” Tina cheered as the skag chowed down, consuming its armor and all, “ _Who’s a little-tired puppy? It’s Enrique! Yes it is! Yes it is!_ ”

“It can’t hear you on my ECHO,” Axton growled tiredly.

“ _Good job, girl!_ ” Tina praised, ignoring his comment. “ _Enrique looks good and pooped. Come back wheneva you’re done._ ”

Axton sighed in relief and got to his feet, ready to be a million miles away from that damn skag. Then he froze.

 _How the hell am I going to get away from the thing?_ he thought desperately. He could try to kill it, but that would make Tina mad at him, and possibly keep the spec from him. That would make this entire damn job for noth--

Enrique sat his ass down on the ground, the remains of his prey all over him. The rock around it gave an audible _CRACK!_ , and then a large portion of the cliff broke away, taking a yelping skag with it.

_“ENRIQUE!!!!!!”_

Axton rushed to the fissure and looked down, finding Enrique scrabbling to hold onto the cliff below. From his added weight, another sizable chunk of rock broke from the cliff, and dropped, hitting Enrique square in the face. The skag lost its hold, then plummeted down, down, down, until Axton could no longer see it.

“ _ENRIQUEEEE!!!!! POR_ QUÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ????!!!!!!-- _Well that’s that, who wants ice cream?_ ”

Axton struggled to keep from screaming to the sky.

_God. Fucking. Dammit._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The commando strolled into Tiny Tina’s Workshop as calmly as he could muster.

 _Get the spec and go_ , was his mantra. _Get the spec and go. Get the spec and go._

“Sorry I was so late,” said a voice, stopping him in his tracks. “I got held up-- had a job for Hammerlock-- but how was the show anyw-- _Ohmigod where in the hell did you get_ GOOD _ice cream???_ ”

“I made it,” Tina said proudly, watching the other teenager wolf down the carton while fiddling with her ECHO. “And as for the show-- oh! Heya girl!” she waved over to Axton. “Want some ice cream?”

“No,” Axton gritted out, stalking towards her.

“You sure? It’ll soothe those burns of yours _real good.”_

_Get the spec and go._

“No. Reward-- now.”

“ _Wooo_ , _someone’s_ in a bad mood.”

_Get the spec and go._

“Really Ax-yun--” Gaige butted in, her mouth full and covered in pink ice cream “--this is really fuckin’ gewd-- you shou’ try some--”

“Gaige. Now’s not a great time. Tina? Spec. _Now.”_

“Je’us, you _are_ in a bad mood,” his friend said, miffed. Gaige swallowed and wiped her mouth. “And you look like shit. What the hell hap--”

“ _Give me the fucking spec Tina._ ”

Tina held her hands up. “Alright-- hold your balls, gimme a sec.” She jogged into the workshop, grabbed an object off of one of the benches, then threw it at him. He caught it, pocketed it, then turned his back. “Hey wait! Your other toy sucka!!”

Axton stumbled as a heavy gun hit him on his back. He took a deep breath and grabbed it. He pretended to look over it for a second before letting it digistruct into his module.

“Never call me to do another one of your fucking jobs again,” he said before walking away.

“Language Ax!” Gaige exclaimed. “Hey, wait--”

“It’s alright shawty. He’s just a little roasted.”

“What did you do Tina?”

“Axy walked my puppy and got some much-needed cardio exercise in the process. Then he maybe killed him, but thaz okay. I can alwayz get another one. It’s been a good day all ‘round.”

“Tina--” _plunck_ “Uh… do I want to know what that is?”

“Watch it. It be funny.”

The girls’ voices faded away as Axton reached the entrance of her workshop. He was turning around the bend when his ECHO received a call.

“ _Axton?_ ”

“Maya?”

“ _Are you alright?_ ”

He frowned. “Yeah. Why--”

“ _No, seriously. Are you--_ ” she suddenly snorted, and broke down into a fit of giggles. “ _Oh… oh… oh no.”_

“I’m fine. I’m fine and dandy. Thanks for asking. Question: what the hell is up with you?”

“ _Nothing-- nothing… mmmmmm,_ _mhm._ okay, _I’m good-- Axton, you check the ECHOnet recently?_ ”

“No…” He suddenly started piecing together what was happening. A horrible sense of doom came upon him.

 _“Okay-- well, ah, do yourself a favor and don’t. Like, ever again._ ”

“Sonuva- _bitch_.”

He must’ve used the Fast-Travel, because the next thing he knew, he was back in Tina’s Workshop with his hands wrapped around her scrawny little neck.

“ _You little brat_ ,” he was saying, oblivious to the fact that he was _actually_ choking her and that her legs were flailing off the ground.

“Ack-ack,” is all the girl could say, her eyes wide, and her tongue sticking out of her mouth.

“I would fucking _kill_ you if you weren’t a kid--”

“ _Oh god,_ ” Maya gasped, still awkwardly there, _“You’re still at Tundra Express... I’m such an idiot._ ”

“Axton!! _Axton!!!_ ” Gaige was screaming. “Let go of her before I sic DT on your ass!!!”

“ _Axton,”_ Maya said urgently, _“if you’re choking Tina--_ ”

“Ack-ack-ack--”

“ _Goddammit! You know how badly Roland will mess you up if you don’t_ \--”

Axton growled and threw her into the snow, where she landed with a little white explosion.

“Ax, you need to calm down,” Gaige yelled at him. When Axton looked at her, her angry face turned into a guilty one.

“I’m guessing you participated?” Axton growled at her, feeling the fullness of her betrayal.

“Whaa-- I-- _no_ \-- I just-- um got here. She just showed me the video… of you… and the. Uh. Dog…?”

“Gurl, even if she wasn’ here,” Tina drawled, her head the only thing sticking out of the snow, “it wouldn’t be her fault that you ran away from Enrique like a little _bitch._ ”

“I did _not_ run away!”

“You looked hella scared to me.”

“I wasn’t _scared_!!” he yelled, getting even more pissed. “You told me to walk the damn thing-- you didn’t want me to kill it, so running was the only other option--”

“You _did_ kill him!--” she shrieked back, popping out of the snow.

“No, I didn't! It fell off the cliff--”

“Which you led him to--”

“That was where the damn waypoint was!”

“--and since we talkin’ about killing now, get the HELL outta my workshop before I BLOW yo’ ass up!!!”

“No! _You_ get out!”

“IT’S MY WORKSHOP!!!”

“YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE WHO STARTED IT!!!”

“Guys, wait--”

“YOU CHOKED ME!!!!”

“YOU MADE ME GET CHASED BY A BADASS SKAG AND POSTED IT ON THE ECHONET FOR THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO SEE!!!!!”

“Will you two st--”

“IT WAS FUNNY--”

“IT’S HUMILIATING AND HARMFUL TO _MY_ REPUTATION!!!!!”

“YOU DON’T HAVE A REPUTATION!!!!!”

_“Yeah. I’m gonna hang up now. Please don’t do anything stupid.”_

“THE HELL I DON’T--”

“HOW COME YOUR BOUNTY’S ONLY 5 BIL THEN?”

“AS IF YOU CAN TALK!!!!”

“Stop, you bunch of--”

“GET OUT YOU _RIPOFF!!!!!_ GET OUT!!!”

“HOW THE HELL AM I A--”

“GET OUT GET OUT GET OOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTTT--”

“YOU THINK I’M JUST RIPPING _ROLAND_ OFF?????? WHAT THE _FUCK_????!!!”

“G-T-F-O NOOOOW GODDAMMIT!!!!”

“WHY DO YOU THINK I’M RIPPING HIM OFF??? MY BABY IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM A STUPID ATLAS AUTOGUN--”

This seemed to be the last straw. Tina screamed, “GO AWAY!!!!” once more, before throwing her sack of dynamite at his face, then shooting it with her corrosive pistol. There was a massive explosion, followed by a moment of silence. The other two’s eyes widened when the snow cleared, and a choked noise came from the soldier.

Axton took a deep breath when his shield flickered back on. His hand reached up to his face and brushed the raw area where his chevrons used to be chevrons.

“You messed up my face, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” she responded shortly, aware of how far over the line she’d soared.

He took a step towards her, and Gaige came forward to intervene. She ended up holding up the commando more than holding him back.

“Great. Okay.” He swallowed. “You’re not going to tell anyone about this.”

“Yep,” Tina agreed.

“And you’re going to delete that video.”

“Done,” she nodded.

“‘Kay.” He straightened himself up. “I’m going to leave now.” He started walking away, and when Gaige tried to follow him, he pushed her away, saying, “You stay here and have your ice cream party or whatever. Make sure she actually deletes the video.”

Then he left.

…

“He’s going to kill himself, isn’t he?”

“Just delete the goddamn video, Tina.”

“Got it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Axton was a young child, he’d prayed to some imaginary God to allow him to be a ECHOnet superstar when he grew up. Just a few years ago, he would’ve given _anything_ in order to reach the sort of fame he had now.

If he could meet those two versions of himself now, he would say, ‘fuck you’ to the both of them before punching them in the face.

The first few hours he’d spent in Sanctuary after the video posted (fixed face and all) were undoubtedly the most embarrassing and humiliating of his life. Within them, he’d succeeded in selling that Hyperion SMG and the _BOOM PUPPY_ for an outrageous sum to Marcus, _not_ punching Hammerlock in the face, setting a new third place for the drunkest he’d been in his entire life, causing three brawls, stabbing five guys with one beer bottle, shooting two jackasses’ hands off, almost killing Private Jessup ( _accidently_ of course), and getting banned from Moxxi’s for a full two months. The next week and a half wasn’t much better.

 _No one_ had _not_ seen the dumb video (even he’d watched it about five times, and fuck if he’d admit that he’d laughed at it too). Anyone who saw him couldn’t help but break down and laugh: his teammates (at first), his friends (even Ellie), any citizen of Sanctuary, bandits, _anyone_ . After two days, people learned to laugh out of earshot of the man, unless they wanted a bullet in their foot. It wasn’t any better for him in bandit country either; it was _way_ too easy to kill the bumbling asshats while they were laughing at him. If anything, it made him feel like a bigger piece of crap. _That_ was _not_ the goal when he was out murdering people. It just wasn’t.

But you know what the worst part of it was?

Walking into Raiders HQ, climbing up the stairs, and then having Roland smile at him.

Roland. _Smile_ . At. _Him._

Almost turning into the skag’s chew toy was what it took to make that bastard _smile_ in his presence. Not his lame-ass turret jokes, not his inappropriately timed innuendo, not his face when being spat on by Tannis (she literally does it _every time_ he comes into sight), not sharing stories of war and being nostalgic over a few drinks.

It was _running for his life from a giant-ass skag_ that did it.

Axton found that taking those tedious-as-fuck jobs that made him run around Pandora was a lot better in the short-term. At least then he could kill the assholes laughing at him without Roland (that bastard) breathing down his neck. When the commando did find himself in Sanctuary, he went straight to the flying city’s rooftops to grab rakk-ale from Mordecai. He discovered an unexpected amount of compassion-- or pity, take your pick --in the mourning drunk. Sometimes, he would make conversation with the man, and get schooled on exactly how Tina was able to capture such a shitty (meaning B-list movie quality) video.

(Of course, he could’ve just asked Zer0 that, but fuck him and his smiley-face emoji, okay?)

Then came the call to destroy Opportunity.

Take a guess at who got his hands on Moxxi’s camera first.

…..

 _Ding-ding!_ You guessed it: Axton the Commando.

After about five hours of Salvador videotaping Axton blowing up Pandora’s ‘Shining City of Progress,’ Axton gained back about half of the respect he had before the whole incident-- meaning everyone stopped laughing in his face unless they wanted to have a live grenade shoved down their throats (with special permission from Roland).

[It also caused Handsome Jack to saltily give a live commentary on his exact thoughts of his infamous video after, but that asshat was going to die from the get-go, so who really gave a shit?]

And-- as a plus side, he’d eventually convinced Angel to take down all uploads of the video from the entire ECHOnet, so the whole thing faded in about a month…

Except for when _@TinyRassleHandlezTina_ re-uploaded her copy… but, hey, at least it was old news by then.

Speaking of which, the two haven’t been on the ‘being-in-the-same-room-without-throwing-bombs’ terms since, which… is actually sort of sad… especially for Gaige… but that’s nothing an invitation to Bunkers and Badasses might cure! Right?

  
_Right?_

 

**Author's Note:**

> What d'you think Tiny Tina’s social media account would actually be called? This was the best I could think of at this moment, and I am willing (eager, actually,) to change it. I'll credit you and everything!
> 
> Comments and feedback are entirely welcome. Please post feedback!
> 
> (Also, someone PLEASE inform me on how to friggin' indent on this site. It's driving me crazy.)
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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